A Peace Beyond Understanding

I am an open book. That is why when upon finding out I am pregnant, I can NOT keep it quiet. On New Years Eve, I found out that I was pregnant. My excitement and joy were uncontainable, and since I have had two healthy pregnancies, there was nothing to worry about. It never crossed my mind that the pain so many millions of women have endured would be just around the corner. Today as I am writing, my heart is absolutely broken. For four beautiful weeks, I began to dream of what life would look like with three babies. I felt in my heart this was the son my husband has been longing for. But then spotting began, and after four days I decided to see my OBGYN. She was wonderful and kind, but her honesty about her concerns shattered my dream world. In hindsight, I am grateful, because this allowed me to prepare incase the unthinkable occurred. I remained in a quiet peace, but at times sent guttural cries of anguish and fear to the foot of the cross. For a week I begged God to take care of my baby. But more importantly, I begged for His will to be done.

This past Wednesday, with great hope and expectation of good news I returned to the doctors office. The scan began and we saw the lifeless little body inside of me. There are no words describe the paralyzing grief that overcame me. With a peace that is beyond me, I have spent the past two days waiting for this process of miscarrying to end. I understood what a miscarriage was. I had friends and family who had experienced them. But I never imagined the anguish of a full, but lifeless womb. Or the constant reminder of the process that is occurring when you have to relieve yourself. This is a pain that people don't talk about. Women aren't prepared for this. And even if they are, the stigma of shame and guilt seem to attack right along with the sadness. I rebuke these feelings with all the righteous might of Christ. Because they are not true. There is no shame. There is no guilt. But there is sadness and loss. And those feelings must be processed in their own time and way. 

I have been blessed to have found a new strength in the Lord. To reside within His comfort. I can honestly declare, "It is well with my soul!" I am unmoved in my faith. Unchanged in my purpose. But I am forever transformed into a more compassionate and sensitive woman. My heart is fulfilled in Jesus, but a piece of it will for now remain in His loving arms. 

One of my favorite bible teachers, Chuck Missler, says that the story of David and Bathsheba's first child should bring comfort to parents who have lost children. After the child passes away, David pulls himself together, worships God and begins to move forward. When asked why the change in demeanor, he answers why should he mourn, for they will be reunited in Heaven when he dies. I'm holding on to that truth with all my might. 

Samuel 12: 19- 23  "And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” 20 Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. 21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” 22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lordwill be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ 23 But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

To every woman who has endured as I am enduring, may God bless you. My heart is for you. We are united in spirit, and I pray you have found, as I have, a peace that is beyond understanding. What a beautiful reunion there will be in Heaven, as the heartbroken mothers and fathers of this world embrace their babies and get to begin the eternal journey of loving and getting to know one another. THAT image is what is helping me move forward with joyful anticipation of what is to come. I pray that it might help you. 

February 4, 2015

My baby.

I love you.

My arms will forever feel empty for never having held you.

A part of my heart you will always be: a cherished, but brief memory.

I watched your tiny heartbeat,

You were alive and growing inside of me.

But your entrance to this world wasn’t meant to be.

Created in love, an innocent being-

Without notice you slipped into eternity.

A pain free existence was meant for you.

A life of fulfillment, of joy and peace,

In the arms of Jesus, rocked with perfect love.

But always know that your momma misses you.

Baby Jo at 6 weeks; healthy and growing.

Live in peace my sweet baby Jo. Mommy and Daddy love you passionately. We are looking forward to holding you one day.